when quiet takes action

I'm 27 days into to making some changes, and I have to say that thus far, it's been amazing!!  I feel better than I've felt in years.  I have hope and life and momentum and joy.  And I have flossed 27 days in a row.  Woo HOO!!!

I keep seeing things about people not making resolutions or goals or trying to come up with a word this year.  They are simply resting, listening to their bodies and what life has for them.  And I wish that could be me right now, but this is a year of action.

This is not my year to rest and listen. This is my year to create space SO THAT I can rest and listen, and actually hear what's being said.

I'm a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), and as such, deeply affected by my surroundings and environment.  Clutter and too much has a paralyzing and depressing effect on me.  My threshold for what is overwhelming is probably lower than the average joe.

Sometimes I think that I'm living in the wrong era - this era of more, bigger, better, louder, faster, busier.  "Keeping up with the Joneses" in all this would literally send me to the looney bin.  But "they" say this is the right way to do things.  This is what's normal today and what I need to do in order to fit in and keep up.

Cacophony.  Yeah, that's what all this sounds like to me.  

The more I self-reflect, I more I realize that I insulate myself from the cacophony around me so that I can function.  Often, life feels too loud, too harsh, too much.

When I shut out the world, when I insulate myself, when I proverbially stick my fingers in my ears, the chaos is muted and sounds a little more like white noise...static.  It's manageable.  But when I do that, I shut out His voice too.  I can no longer hear Him.  And I shut out the good things, the joy.

With my fingers in my ears and everything else blocked out, sadly the only things I can hear loud and clear are the voices in my own head. And let me tell you, when I'm singing, "La, la, la" to the world, the voices in my head are not very kind.  

As I wrote about before, my word for the year is CHANGE. This action word ironically chosen mostly to quiet my life so that it no longer sounds like white noise.

Quieting my home.

Quieting my mind and body.

Quieting my time.

Quieting my family.

Quieting technology.


It seems ironic to have to actively quiet your life...to put forth much effort and work, so that the loudness in your home, mind, family, time, and technology will hush.  But sometimes, life is full of irony and I'm coming to the realization that trying to be still amidst the noise isn't working for me.

There is nothing quiet about being still amidst the noise.  Then it's just loud, still noise.  So, I'm pulling my fingers out of my ears, looking up, and making some changes.  

No one said I had to play by "their" rules, and I'm not gonna.

Hopefully with all this quieting, I will actually be able to hear.


What areas of your life can use some quieting these days?  

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2017 word for the year: CHANGE

Hello 2017.  You are a welcome face, and I've long anticipated your arrival.

2016 kicked my butt.  Well, I think it kicked my butt, except I can't remember much about it.  It all feels like a fog, which is why I'm pretty sure it kicked my butt.  2016 felt like survival mode times 10. Do all the things, get all the places, keep all the kids alive.

So, here we are... at the beginning again.  Praise God that beginnings come around again.  I would hate to live in a world that seems like one never-ending big loop around the sun.  Aren't we all longing for a fresh start and a clean slate and the opportunity for growth and newness at some point?  Sometimes in the midst of daily life, when we are bogged down in the grind, newness is hard to muster.

Today is no different than any other, except for the fact that it marks the completion of one circle around the sun and the beginning of a new one.  I'm so thankful for this life and that with this circling of the sun, we have a reminder to stop and reflect, to appreciate what has passed, dig into the present, and hope for the future.   Zora Neale Hurston once wrote,

"There are years that ask the questions and years that answer them."

2016 asked a lot of questions, and I'm hopeful that 2017 will begin to answer them.

And with that, my word for 2016 is CHANGE!

Every year for the past 5 years, I've chosen a word to guide me, inspire me, and focus my thoughts and actions.  I love it so much more than doing New Years resolutions.  The thing with a word is that it's simply a motivator.  You can't fail at it.  It doesn't feel limiting or like being bound by something. I usually choose my word based on what I feel I'm lacking or needing most in my life.

Change.  I desperately need change.  I need to change.  I need to be change.

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."   

By this definition, I live in insanity.  I want my tomorrow to look different, but my today looks the same.  My tomorrow cannot possibly look differently if I don't do anything differently today.   Thus...change.

My husband and I feel like we've been living by default for a long time.  Default is auto-pilot in survival mode.  But we long to live intentionally...to be more than victims or passive participants in our lives.  I want to be a catalyst for change in our lives that will have positive impact on ourselves, our kids, our family, and the world around us.  That feels like it takes effort that I don't have in my reserves, but what I do today determines my tomorrow, so I'm going to have to find it.

I've done some brainstorming and have several areas in which I'm hoping to drive change:


Self-Care
For too long, I've put myself last on my own priority list, and I'm reaping the repercussions of that.  It's time to care for myself, my health, my body, my skin, my teeth, my mind.

Growth (Personal, Spiritual, Professional)
Along with caring for myself, comes with creating space and opportunity for growth.  I'm working on writing and professional goals and making the pursuit of those possible, letting go of what people think and being hindered by that, and doing something creative every day that fills me up.

Family
I love our family and our kids, but we could use way more routine and structure.  I'm focusing on more follow-through, more intentional quality time with kids, more fun, and slowing down.

Marriage
We've been married 15 years now!  With 3 kids and work and life, it's easy to give each other what's left over at the end of the day (which most of the time is almost nothing - a grumpy, tired wife who just wants to watch TV and go to bed).  I'm pushing for more active support of each other's daily lives and intentional connection with each other.

Home
Deep sigh.  I have a love/hate relationship with this little place we call home.  We are beginning what Ryan calls, "purge-atory."  Striving to purge, clear the clutter, and make our space manageable and a haven for our family.


Man, that's a long list, and because I'm a list maker, I actually have bullet action points under each category that I will spare you today.  :)   There's no way that I can tackle all of this at once, but I'm going to start to make small changes that will hopefully snowball.

And if you are looking at my list, thinking I'm crazy or feeling like I have something together, let me break this down into reality for you.

Today, my big change was to wear red lipstick.  Yep, you heard me correctly.  Red lipstick is bold and noticeable and sort of wild.  I felt scared to wear red lipstick.  Over-exposed.  Not able to blend in.  I like to blend in.   I was a bit worried what people would think or say.  You know what happened?  Nothing.  Absolutely nothing...except the fact that I gained a little confidence in change and doing and being a little different.  No one batted an eyelash or said a word, and if they were thinking anything, I tried to not let my mind imagine it.  I can wear red lipstick and be more bold.  I can make a change that takes nearly no effort, but infuses a tiny bit of personal growth in building confidence.

As I try to shock myself into change, the little things that don't take much effort are going to be important in motivating me to the big things.  So, January 1, I start with red lipstick.   There is nothing too small or insignificant for a tiny uprising.

2017.  I'm kicking your butt this year!


Can I encourage you to choose a word this year?  Write it down.  Tape it to your bathroom mirror or the dashboard of your car.  Let it inspire you to live your best life and motivate you to make tiny changes that result in a snowball of positive force.  We can do this!

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TO THE MAMA WHO FEELS INVISIBLE

Hey Mama,

I see you.

I see you cooking dinner with a screaming toddler wrapped around your leg, two older kids racing around the house swinging wildly between playing and fighting.  I see that your nerves are fraying and it's late, but you have to get something on the table.  You worked magic with your grocery budget to be able give healthy foods to your kids, only to have them turn their noses up to this meal cooked with sheer determination.

I see you in the middle of the night, bone-tired, yet up again, nourishing, comforting, soothing.  You are on the battlefield of weariness, mama, and it's a lonely one in the wee hours of the night.  No one knows or really even cares that you got up 2, 3, 6, 10 times last night, but you did.  Or that you haven't had a full nights sleep for years, but you haven't.  There are no cheerleaders here.  There is no mercy. But you are fierce, mama.  As fierce as they come.  Love is a powerful, powerful thing.

I see you use all your might not to hit back, when a raging toddler pushes you to your limits.  I see the strength that takes even though you feel like you're a failure for even wanting to hit back.  You are strong and maybe that self-control only lasted as far as your fists, while your mouth lashed out.  But you are still strong.

I see your weary eyes brighten for one more word of encouragement, your tired arms squeeze a little body tight in love.  I see you apologize for your wrongs, teaching forgiveness by example.

I see you, mama, when your husband looks through you like you are glass.  He doesn't understand what all these nights awake can do to a person, how the never-ending stream of requests and tantrums and laundry can dull your spirit.  He says he misses you.  He can't understand that you miss you too. I see you notice that he doesn't see you anymore.  That he's checking his email and thinking about work before even rolling over to say good morning.  I see how that stings.

I see that you feel invisible.  This is one of the most surprising things about motherhood.  Friends, family fawn over your little one, but never see you.  Really see you.  Rarely ask how you are doing, because they seem to forget that you're still a person too.  I see you wishing that someone, anyone would ask about the state of your heart.  Or anything ANYTHING about you aside from your kids.

I see you eating peanut butter on soft bread because it is the only thing to soothe the jagged edges of yourself some days.  Salad simply will not do.  Sometimes peanut butter on soft bread is actually kindness to yourself.

I see your dreams.  Maybe they are close or maybe far away, but always seeming to take second place to making dinner, changing diapers, loving littles.  I see you day after day think, "I'll get to that tonight," and then crash after a hard day unable to do any more.  A dream deferred for one more day. I see that day become years and, though you love being a mom, I see bitterness creep in.  I see that there are parts of you that are mighty, but squandered.  I see you lose sight of yourself.  Lose a little bit of hope.

I see you lock yourself in the bathroom for two minutes to be alone...if you can call alone having a small child screaming 6 inches on the other side of the door.

I see you hiding. First it's in the bathroom from your kids, then it's from friends, and eventually from yourself.  That invisibility thing that so surprised you about motherhood becomes a cloak that you wear with relish.  It becomes a safe place, only it's not a safe place because it's not a real place.  And the minute a dear soul looks at you and you know that she sees you, like really sees you, you crumble. You've been found out and it feels embarrassing and freeing at the same time.

I see you triage your days like a master.  You are the queen of efficiency at food prep, packing lunches, bathing kids.  I see you manage fights and scrapes and schedules like a champ.  And though you can mom with the best of them, I see you growing weary of the hamster wheel.

I see your messy house.  It is full of love and growth, but keeping it clean seems to take an army that you don't have.  You remember how your house used to be clean, and everything in it's place.  This kind of mess takes a new kind of grit and stamina to endure. I see you cleaning the kitchen while the baby unravels the toilet paper, the 4 year old spills his drink, and the 7 year old decides your carpet would look better with glitter.   I see you shy away from inviting anyone in, but I also see that their house is just as messy as yours.

I see you in yesterdays clothes, sacrificing your body, your sleep, your self, because there is a love greater than these.  I see your tiny ones gazing at you with utter love because you are their world and their light.  You are doing a good job, mama.  I see you holding them close and letting them go.

I see you sneaking in their rooms at night, kissing their sweet faces, smelling their sweet heads, praying that you are raising them well and that they will know how very loved they are.  I see you making decisions that seem way above your pay grade.  What's best for their bodies, their brains, their souls?  It's so scary, but you care so much that there isn't a option for not making a choice.

I see you working so hard every day, but feeling like you haven't accomplished anything. Productivity in a traditional sense left the building the moment your first child was born. I see you trying to form a new definition of success, and I see the world trying to still fit you in the old one.  Neither they, nor you will ever be appeased if you keep looking at each other, without seeing.

I see you in the shopping center when your child has a melt down.  I see the eyes on you...some of pity, some of judgement, some of solidarity. I see you tremble as you try to remain calm in this moment and not have a melt down yourself. You are amazing, mama. Have I told you that?

I see the pride and joy in your eyes when you see your little one...or even just talk about her.  I see you light up because they are beautiful human beings, and you were a co-creator in a miracle. I see you guiding their hearts to be kind and generous and courageous. I see you changing the world in this way.

I see you, mama.  I see you doing hard things in the name of love.  You are not invisible and you are not alone.

I see you.

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tiny sphere

I've been quiet here.  I think we've just been trying to find a new rhythm with school starting back up. Having one in elementary school, one in preschool, and a baby means lots of juggling schedules and a lot of transition in most of our days.  We've just been trying to hang on for dear life, and put some systems in place that will keep the peace (if that's even a thing for families with little ones).

I'm head down over here.  Transitioning myself to a world that seemed to shrink over night with the starting of school and a baby needing to nap smack in the middle of that time.  We stick close to home most days which is a huge change for me.  My sphere of influence feels immediately under our roof.

I'm learning the art of staying home.  Not "staying at home" as in being a stay-at-home mom, but literally staying home.  Not going anywhere.  Not trying to fill our time and days with playdates and outings simply to keep busy.  Focusing on our home and learning how to manage it better and more consistently.  Focusing on actually getting on the floor and playing with my kids, and not allowing the to-do list to hijack the entire day.   More days end than I'd like to admit with me sneaking in their rooms to tuck them into covers that have been kicked off and staring at their sleeping, squishy faces wishing I'd been more present with them that day.  Did I look them in the eye enough when they had a question or wanted to tell me something?  Did I give the impression that I was too busy for them?  Did they feel loved?

Tell me you do this too??  I simply cannot wait for them all to be asleep and for the "Mom!, Mom!, Mom!'s" to stop, and then all I want to do is go in and soak up their sleeping angelic faces.  Gosh, I love them. And I seem to remember and feel that a lot more when no one's fighting, throwing a tantrum,  or whining about what I made for dinner.  

My oldest just started first grade this year, and I'm sitting here watching the lightbulb of self-awareness flicker on.  For the first time, she's realizing that she will be evaluated and judged in school. Tests have started, and a subsequent realization that somehow her score is a reflection of her value and that top scores are highly regarded.  Even her pediatrician asked her if she makes good grades. Geez.  I'm sitting here wondering, "Can't she just be kid for a little longer?"  She seems so young, so not ready to bear the weight of this inevitable pressure.   So, I let her make clothes for her dolls out of her socks and underwear, just because designing is her jam...and I order her some more when I realize she has none left and the shoes she's worn sock-less smell like a frog crawled in there and died.  But hey, all in the name of artistic expression, right?  She spends more time upside down than right side up, honing her gymnastics moves, and I cheer her on, regardless of the fact that she's probably going to be 6 feet tall when she's grown.   She will face enough naysayers in her life.  I don't have to be one too.

My middle somehow grew when I wasn't looking.  He still feels baby to me, but he's almost 5.  I feel like I missed the whole last year with him.  It's all a sleep-deprived blur and somewhere in there he started writing his name and throwing a mean spiral.  His favorite questions are, "Does this look scary?  Is this dangerous?" He's all guts and glory, but with a deep need for belonging and connection.  An insatiable need for belonging and connection.  I'm busy loving on him and trying not to flip my lid when he flips his.  He is big and bold with his emotions (kind of like his mama), but his heart is golden and generous and often surprising.

My little demands our attention.  She's feisty and fierce and makes her presence known.  The root of her name means persistence, and she definitely lives up to that.  She may not be walking yet at 15 months, but she gets around faster than a speeding bullet and climbs everything she can.  Lately, her communication seems to have exploded, and I see her wheels turning, figuring out everything around her.  She lights up when she sees us, calling out the truth and beauty in each one of us.  She is the arc in our family...the little bit that encloses the circle and brings us all back around to ourselves.

These kids.  They've wrecked my life for the better.

Sometimes...often...I want more.  I want God to call me to do something great.  I often need to be reminded that raising these tiny humans is something great.  Like the prophet Isaiah, I want to say, "Here I am!  Send me!"  And as those words leave my lips, God replies, "But will you stay?"  Is it that "here I am" for me means not that I will go, but rather that I will stay and be fully present in this moment.  Here I am in this most important moment with these most important tiny humans.  One day they will grow into big humans.  One day, my tiny sphere of influence, my three littles, will reach out into a big, bad world and hopefully be a beacon of light.  Hopefully, they will be kind and courageous men and women.

For now, we will practice the art of staying home, of loving each other even when it's hard, of celebrating our sameness and our differences, and of laughing a lot.

Mamas, we are called to this beautiful, sticky mess every single day and bravery in that is to simply keep showing up.  Keep making the lunches and kissing the owies and juggling the schedule and cheering on silliness and wiping bottoms and breaking up fights and giving encouragement and being present.  Keep showing up, and our tiny sphere will become the greatest work of our lives.

Every day is a little life, and our whole life is but a day repeated. 

~Joseph Hall

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anyone want to retreat with me?

I heard this quote recently,

"God's truth comes to us a second after we've asked for it and a second before we second-guess His voice."  

Um, do you second-guess like I do?  All I ever do is second guess!  He practically has to kick me in the shins to get me to listen.   I've been feeling some things lately.  Who am I kidding, I feel ALL THE THINGS.  Feeling Him tug on my heartstrings a little bit, asking me to give and serve out of the ways I'm created uniquely me.  Ways I'm created that I don't give enough credit or importance because sometimes I don't realize that not everyone else thinks or breathes or loves the same way I do.  I just assume we are all the same, but we are not.  I need you and you need me and we definitely need that quiet gal over in the corner with a rich inner life and much to share.

One thing that trips me up is that I'm good at a lot of things.  I'm a really hard worker, and I can succeed at almost anything I put my mind to.  It's a blessing and a curse, because essentially I'm a jack of all trades and a master of none.  I always wanted to have that one thing that people identified with me.  One thing that I excelled at and that was undeniably a part of my heart.  One thing I felt called to do.

A few years ago, during a meeting, we had an ice breaker questions asking essentially, "If you could do anything as a career, what would you do?"  I've always struggled with this question because I don't seem to fit neatly in a box.  In college, I poured over the catalog for majors, never finding one that I felt really represented me or anything I wanted to do.  I didn't really know what I was looking for, but I knew I didn't want to be a business person or a lawyer or an engineer.  I actually had no idea who I was and what makes me tick in college, and here I was trying to figure out my future.

So, when this question was asked at that meeting 15 years later, I was surprised at what came out of my mouth.  Here's what literally fell out of me, "I want to be a place and create a space that women come to for refreshing, for healing, for encouragement, and for edification." What that means, I have no idea, but I'm trying to live out of the truest bits of me and here's what I know for sure...here are my missions in life as an individual (outside of being a wife and a mom).

First, I am created to be a champion of women.  I am created to encourage, to lift up and refresh the women in my life and my sphere.  I am created to love on them and show them how they are beautiful and neither too much or not enough.

Second, coming out of the first one, I also feel a deep responsibility to normalize our experiences as women through vulnerability.  I want to share the things that you're afraid to, so that you see that you're not the only one or weird or alone.  I want you to say, "Me too," or "I didn't know anyone else felt that way," and because of that walk a little taller, feel a little more supported, and tell a little bit more of your own story so the next woman will do the same.

This is a long and windy road to tell you that I have something cooking in my brain and heart.  I feel inadequate and ill-equipped, and scared of failing, but I'm saying yes anyways.

God's truth for me right now before I second-guess it, is that I create a space for refreshing women...figuratively through this blog and literally, through a weekend retreat.  

My pits are all sweaty and my heart is beating so fast as I type this.  I'm starting small and working from the inside out.  Before I have any details figured out, before I have a master plan or anything solid, I'm throwing it out there.  I don't pretend to know what I'm doing, but that's the best place to be, isn't it, friends?

So, drumroll please.....

I'm hosting a low-key weekend retreat that hopefully balances the need to be filled up, but also poured out.  A restful place for the weary mom just needing a break, the busy woman who hasn't had any time to reflect and process, the girl who desperately needs some love, a glass of wine, and Jesus all meshed into one weekend.  And I can't wait.  

So, who's with me??  I'd love to gauge interest as I begin to piece this all together.  Nothing is set in stone, but I'm thinking March 2017 over a Friday and Saturday night.  Probably 10-12 women to keep things intimate.

If this sounds like something you would want to do, would you be so kind as to comment here on the blog, Instagram or Facebook?  Or you can email me directly at tinyuprisings@gmail.com.

I hope you can come!  Emoji with smiley face blowing a kiss.

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